Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch

Published in North Central Chronicle on January 18, 2008.

In a world where talk is cheap and time is money, life for an introvert can often become disorienting and exhausting.

In a society dominated by extroverts, who gear more towards conversation and activity, introverts become marginalized for our perceived lack of social skills. The truth is that introverts hardly lack social skills. We simply get our energy from being alone rather than from being with other people. That trait is too often confused with shyness, but in fact we may just want to be left alone.

Extroverts have a difficult time discovering this distinction. Because of their shorter conversational attention spans and inability to be alone for extended periods of time, they do not, or simply cannot, understand their introverted friends. They ask an introvert to dinner and do not understand why they would rather stay home alone and read than socialize. Or perhaps they balk at an introvert’s request to leave a party after only a short time, not knowing that the introvert cannot take much more mindless chatter.

We introverts fight battles constantly. We fight with leagues of extroverts for airtime to voice our carefully-crafted thoughts. We fight for time alone everyday to recharge and recollect. We fight the stereotypes branded on us, wishing for nothing more than understanding. We also feel like picking a fight when we’re asked, “Are you all right?” for the hundredth time, when all we want to do is remain deep in thought.

Often our reluctance to socialize leads extroverts to believe that we introverts are arrogant, detached, or self-absorbed. This misconception is probably due to an introvert’s disdain for small talk. Our days are filled with thinking—we like to figure out exactly what we’ll say before saying it—so the concept of small talk seems obligatory and a waste of time. But even more than small talk, introverts hate repeating themselves. Calvin Coolidge once said, “If you don’t say anything, you won’t be called on to repeat it.” I wonder if Coolidge would have even survived in today’s political atmosphere.

But we introverts must trudge on. In the article “Caring for Your Introvert” by Jonathan Rauch, the author writes, “Many actors, I’ve read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors.” We learn to put on a happy, sociable face when it’s called for, if only to keep the inquisitive extroverts off our backs. Indeed, before I enter a social circus, I have to mentally ready myself for an unknown amount of hyper-interaction. I tell myself, “This is a party. You can have fun and talk with people.” I try not to be a recluse, but sometimes my social battery runs out and irritation quickly sets in.

Perhaps one day, extroverts will understand the hell they put us introverts through. Perhaps one day, breaks in conversation will not seem awkward, and small talk will not be required to maintain proper etiquette. Perhaps one day, extroverts will discover the joy of seclusion, and the value of stillness. Perhaps. Until that day, you extroverts should be more mindful of your quieter, less convivial peers. Do not ask them why they’re so quiet, or why they want to be left alone, because the reason is probably you.


48 responses to “Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch”

  1. […] being misunderstood, being tired of socializing, or just characteristics of introverts. It’s this post I wrote at the beginning of the year that they […]

  2. […] Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch — Still the blog’s most-read post. […]

  3. Dear LM: You do actually believe what you wrote, do you? But you are sure, it is the introverts trying to convince themselves of something that is not true? You might like to take a look into professional scientific literature, before you claim that these things said here, will only be written by people trying to convince themselves of something. I already read the same things in scientific literature. Btw. not feeling comfortable with sth. (e.g. small talk) is not excactly the same as “arrogance”, but sure lots of things look the same, if you don’t pay attention to the details… Btw this is one things that can be frustration and annoying and I don’t think that this is arrogance.

  4. Hmmmm why do most seem so polarized here?
    I am an introvert with an extravert shield.
    Can be the life of the party but also love to dive in books and shut everybody out for weeks.
    Write poetry, stories but also enjoys raunchy jokes and soccer. Share the extreme dislike for cel phones; good that there is a out button.

    See the solely introverted around me but find the tests and suspicions they put you through rather insulting and exhausting, but once as friend insightfull, humerous.
    The solely extraverted are also exhausting and unfortunately rarely high educated but if they are you can have fun debates.

    Being social is a study, you learn it to; make others feel more comfortable around you, have more change to get what you want.
    From my experience most people (introverts and extraverts) hate being put in social situations were they do not know others, dressing up is a hell, listen to stupid jokes and miserly long stories without and clear point, shaking hands and go bla bla bla is exhausting. A lot just drink to get through it, nod here and there, find some type to talk to or misbehave with to get through the evening.

    As for friends; take a selfobsessed extravert, let her/him talk and just nod, shake your head and say little encouraging things to keep the other talking (pick of course one who’s energy level is not annoying) and you both can be happy. One has a audience and the other has someone to appear social with.

    The whole energy draining is often connected to toxic people, oh and also to dumb/mindless people, happy, intelligent and contend people rarely drain my energy.
    Find the balance also depending on what fase of your life you are experiencing. For instance: stress can make every efford seem to much.
    Young: introvert – mating season: extravert Study: introvert- shacking up: introvert – divorce/mating season: extravert

    The term “normal” should be banned, met only 2 people who saw them selves “normal” while I saw them as simple, the rest was lucky enough just as complicated, confused as I am 🙂
    My preference goes out to those weird, intelligent, and so extremely fascinating mixed up folks.

    Best wishes,

  5. Anonymous

    I too suffer from the blight of social leprosy. But I know I am fully deserving of my outcast status because deep down I am a truly evil man. So keep hurling your slurs at me cruel world– spoken and unspoken. Perhaps this lonely penitent path will in some small way redeem me for my unspeakable crimes.

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