Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch

Published in North Central Chronicle on January 18, 2008.

In a world where talk is cheap and time is money, life for an introvert can often become disorienting and exhausting.

In a society dominated by extroverts, who gear more towards conversation and activity, introverts become marginalized for our perceived lack of social skills. The truth is that introverts hardly lack social skills. We simply get our energy from being alone rather than from being with other people. That trait is too often confused with shyness, but in fact we may just want to be left alone.

Extroverts have a difficult time discovering this distinction. Because of their shorter conversational attention spans and inability to be alone for extended periods of time, they do not, or simply cannot, understand their introverted friends. They ask an introvert to dinner and do not understand why they would rather stay home alone and read than socialize. Or perhaps they balk at an introvert’s request to leave a party after only a short time, not knowing that the introvert cannot take much more mindless chatter.

We introverts fight battles constantly. We fight with leagues of extroverts for airtime to voice our carefully-crafted thoughts. We fight for time alone everyday to recharge and recollect. We fight the stereotypes branded on us, wishing for nothing more than understanding. We also feel like picking a fight when we’re asked, “Are you all right?” for the hundredth time, when all we want to do is remain deep in thought.

Often our reluctance to socialize leads extroverts to believe that we introverts are arrogant, detached, or self-absorbed. This misconception is probably due to an introvert’s disdain for small talk. Our days are filled with thinking—we like to figure out exactly what we’ll say before saying it—so the concept of small talk seems obligatory and a waste of time. But even more than small talk, introverts hate repeating themselves. Calvin Coolidge once said, “If you don’t say anything, you won’t be called on to repeat it.” I wonder if Coolidge would have even survived in today’s political atmosphere.

But we introverts must trudge on. In the article “Caring for Your Introvert” by Jonathan Rauch, the author writes, “Many actors, I’ve read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors.” We learn to put on a happy, sociable face when it’s called for, if only to keep the inquisitive extroverts off our backs. Indeed, before I enter a social circus, I have to mentally ready myself for an unknown amount of hyper-interaction. I tell myself, “This is a party. You can have fun and talk with people.” I try not to be a recluse, but sometimes my social battery runs out and irritation quickly sets in.

Perhaps one day, extroverts will understand the hell they put us introverts through. Perhaps one day, breaks in conversation will not seem awkward, and small talk will not be required to maintain proper etiquette. Perhaps one day, extroverts will discover the joy of seclusion, and the value of stillness. Perhaps. Until that day, you extroverts should be more mindful of your quieter, less convivial peers. Do not ask them why they’re so quiet, or why they want to be left alone, because the reason is probably you.


48 responses to “Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch”

  1. I rather not fit in so easily. Every chance I can I would bend the rules. I’m annoyed of the typical extrovert. That is to say, some are quite intelligent to understand this whole introversion-extroversion thing. Some others, would keep on assuming in a negative light until the fast paced, high-life no longer seems too appealing.

    I maintain some few circle of friends though I have a lot more acquaintance (weak ties) but life in college is just straightforwardly nonsensical. I know this one extrovert who make friends easily with others but make others feel inferior by calling names and putting down in the way. Let’s just say this is my definition of “the typical unthinking, unethical extrovert”. He’s stupid not because he’s an extrovert but rather because of the choice he made. An idiot, in simpler word. Thank God some of my other extroverted friends are not an idiot like him.

    Let’s just say what’s “weird” today could be normal tomorrow onwards. It’s just a matter of time. Articles on the internet about introversion/extroversion has multiplied over and over again, increasing. People, although not amass are gaining awareness. We just need to find more creative way to spread this “virus”.

    After all this, if people refuse to understand then that’s their problem. No need for unnecessary smiles, waving hand, over-friendly chit-chat that is imposed at place where it’s “obligatory” to make yourself known to others too. It’s best to save your energy rather than wasting it for nothing.

    There’s nothing wrong being yourself.

  2. LeoMarius
    LeoMarius

    “many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors.” I feel this way a lot. I like going to parties and meeting people, but I am typically one of the first to want to leave because I’m exhausted. Occasionally, however, I will find one or two interesting people to chat with and then I am as happy as a clam and can be the last to leave.

    I am told I give excellent presentations, but they exhaust me. I just left a long meeting and the first thing I did when I entered my office was let a deep sigh of relief. Alone at last!

  3. This article is dead-on! Ive always been an introvert and always felt bad about being one. Ive always tried to make myself more hyper, fun, talkative,sociable and everything along those lines. But its just not me. Now I feel that i NEED NOT change the way i am. People who knows me well loves and appreciates me as who i am and they understand. But in general strangers,acquantances and some friends just dont – they’ll see me as arrogant, aloof – but fact is we introverts are just different and likes to be alone at times. I always feel misunderstood, and felt maybe there’s something wrong with me, and i need to change. But then thats just they way we are! Truth is we’re great just the way we are- kindness and acceptance towards others are still top priority – but other than that its our right if we want to be the reserved and introverted individuals we are.

  4. EriktheNF
    EriktheNF

    This is so true. But when I look at it back, I wonder how can an extrovert survive in the midlife crisis. Sure, most (but not all) extrovert that I know (teens, as I am) are immature and sometimes they have little regard for others feelings. Some of them, I can see so many “problem” in them but I won’t point it out for them (because it’s pointless obviously). Problems like cursing habits, vain talk, insults, sick practical joke, harsh judgment.

    It made me think if they can ever reach that “depth” to understand. It made me wonder how long before they can really snap out of their addiction and the “high” of being around people.

    Some extrovert I know, are quite thoughtful. While some others can sometimes be pure crap (seriously).

    On the other hand being the downside of being an introvert is, sometimes you think a lot before diving yourself in, from “do I have enough energy for this?”, “is this person that worth it?”, or “is this what I should say to start the conversation?” and even “if I text her would she text me back? If she does will I be a able to follow through?”

    Still, I’m happy being an introvert, and also NF, which makes me naturally creative and I do play music. I even have a band but I realize all member of my band are extrovert and I wonder how long before they start questioning my introversion… someday. That’s what we introvert sometimes crave very much. Sometimes we want everything to just shut down and even stop for a while – so we can get that energy back.

  5. I lived as a introvert till age 20, then to experiment I joined the military and became an extrovert for 8 years, for 15 years I lived in Duality, people would say i never met a person like you being both. now I am looking for peace and harmony by combining both complex.

  6. grace m williams
    grace m williams

    I made a typo- I was typing in the dark. I meant that introverted people I have known were more “mature”, not “immature”. I am so sorry for this. It is the extroverts who are grossy immature.

  7. grace m williams
    grace m williams

    This is an excellent article. I, too, am proud to be an introvert. Introverted people I have found are more considerate, immature, intelligent, creative, deep and independent thinkers, and more unconventional than extroverts. I too was misunderstood by my teachers and peers. They wondered what was wrong with me? Duh, nothing at all.

    I was the third smartest in my elementary school. I never socialized much as a child and teenager. I preferred being at home, reading and sketching than “hanging out” as the more extroverted teenagers would say. However, neighbors would remark to my mother how mature and level I was in comparison to their extroverted teens who caused them endless heartache. I am glad to be an introvert and would rather be one than an extrovert whom I have no use for at all.

  8. Holy smokes!!! Well said mah friend!! And all this time i thought i was some big ol jerk but lo and behold this word i decided to look up that my friend called me a couple of days ago.

    I’m kinda still in awe at how well every things described, bam, boom, it’s all there! The feeling like an actor socializing, the other stuff, all that mess! I’m not fond of labeling things but this here i don’t mind one tick, introverted eh, lol i’ve been scouring the onlines for what seems like eons for what my condition was. And always thought it was a bad thing, as one would come to believe steeped in this world of extrovertism. Lol, sorry, i’m just a bit excited what with the life realizations. Good stuff!

  9. I Know exactly what you mean , wonderful thought .

  10. It’s very easy to lose yourself in the ocean of extroverts that surround us introverts. But, its entries such as these that allow me to feel sane again, to relate and know im not crazy, nor am I the only one who enjoys tranquility!

    Saved to favorites!

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