Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch

Published in North Central Chronicle on January 18, 2008.

In a world where talk is cheap and time is money, life for an introvert can often become disorienting and exhausting.

In a society dominated by extroverts, who gear more towards conversation and activity, introverts become marginalized for our perceived lack of social skills. The truth is that introverts hardly lack social skills. We simply get our energy from being alone rather than from being with other people. That trait is too often confused with shyness, but in fact we may just want to be left alone.

Extroverts have a difficult time discovering this distinction. Because of their shorter conversational attention spans and inability to be alone for extended periods of time, they do not, or simply cannot, understand their introverted friends. They ask an introvert to dinner and do not understand why they would rather stay home alone and read than socialize. Or perhaps they balk at an introvert’s request to leave a party after only a short time, not knowing that the introvert cannot take much more mindless chatter.

We introverts fight battles constantly. We fight with leagues of extroverts for airtime to voice our carefully-crafted thoughts. We fight for time alone everyday to recharge and recollect. We fight the stereotypes branded on us, wishing for nothing more than understanding. We also feel like picking a fight when we’re asked, “Are you all right?” for the hundredth time, when all we want to do is remain deep in thought.

Often our reluctance to socialize leads extroverts to believe that we introverts are arrogant, detached, or self-absorbed. This misconception is probably due to an introvert’s disdain for small talk. Our days are filled with thinking—we like to figure out exactly what we’ll say before saying it—so the concept of small talk seems obligatory and a waste of time. But even more than small talk, introverts hate repeating themselves. Calvin Coolidge once said, “If you don’t say anything, you won’t be called on to repeat it.” I wonder if Coolidge would have even survived in today’s political atmosphere.

But we introverts must trudge on. In the article “Caring for Your Introvert” by Jonathan Rauch, the author writes, “Many actors, I’ve read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors.” We learn to put on a happy, sociable face when it’s called for, if only to keep the inquisitive extroverts off our backs. Indeed, before I enter a social circus, I have to mentally ready myself for an unknown amount of hyper-interaction. I tell myself, “This is a party. You can have fun and talk with people.” I try not to be a recluse, but sometimes my social battery runs out and irritation quickly sets in.

Perhaps one day, extroverts will understand the hell they put us introverts through. Perhaps one day, breaks in conversation will not seem awkward, and small talk will not be required to maintain proper etiquette. Perhaps one day, extroverts will discover the joy of seclusion, and the value of stillness. Perhaps. Until that day, you extroverts should be more mindful of your quieter, less convivial peers. Do not ask them why they’re so quiet, or why they want to be left alone, because the reason is probably you.


48 responses to “Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch”

  1. I think that there needs to be education about this group (which I am a part of). Whilst some people will never understand it, we can strive to achieve greater understanding in society and that we are not wrong in who we are. The fact that many out there judge us, makes some of us have low self esteem and irritability – which perpetuates incorrect myths about introverts. I have only started to read about this in-depth after a lifetime of people saying I am anti-social and not understanding myself. Of course most of us do the Myers-Briggs tests at work but the answers given are very much on a surface level and do not explain to the largely populated world about how these two different groups can interact in a way that is positive or explains that introverts are a minority – a sometimes gifted minority – but often misunderstood. We have begun to educate society about races, cultures, religions, sexual orientation – that none of these areas are wrong or necessarily done by choice – but they are healthy and deserved to be understood, represented and supported. I believe introverts need this as well as I cannot believe I am the only person who has entered into a family of extroverts and made to feel that I am not exactly right in who I am or going to a new job being judged according to an extrovert scale (so writing versus talking or needing to reflect on a situation rather than give an immediate response).

  2. I’m 44 years old and have spent a vast majority of my life being misunderstood because of being an introvert. I was able to finally understand why my personality was so different than family members, co-workers etc when I took the Myers Brigg. I enjoy spending time alone and have been labled weird, moody, unapproachable etc. Because I know who I am helps me feel better about myself. If only other people would take the time to understand me then they wouldn’t be so quick to pass judgement or treat me as a outcast.

  3. It’s been months since I’ve had any alone time. I’m running on my last battery.

  4. Alltogether
    Alltogether

    @ISTJ/ISFJ
    Try to be yourself and understand yourself first then you’ll be understood (maybe).

  5. ISTJ/ISFJ
    ISTJ/ISFJ

    Oh to be understood. I’ve been misunderstood my entire life … so tired of being judged as being ‘stuck-up’ or accused of thinking I’m ‘better than’ someone else. If only society would take the time to learn that extroverts aren’t the only ones out there. Oh where can I find some introverts to socialize with when I need that hour or two of people time? Would be so nice to have a friend that understands me!

  6. I have experienced similar emotions and my viewpoints are from a different angle. I am not speaking for everybody of course but social needs are at the center of most human beings. I am not sure how much maybe my frustration is talking but at the moment I do feel that modern society life (I live in London) has a big impact on social relations. I am talking about being stuffed in a relatively small place with millions of people, leading a repetitive clockwork lifestyle, the usual work/commuting stress etc and feel this may be enough to cause social dissonance. There are obviously also intellectual dissonances, Individuality being among the highest goal a human can reach in our society, and yet how conscious are we of the fact that those baggy trousers and cool t-shirts with which we express our social nonconformity and individuality are actually what some evil masterminds in marketing and advertising offices planned to sell us as hip half a year ago.
    Ok, enough ranting about society.

  7. WhatDoYOuGet?
    WhatDoYOuGet?

    The whole world is geared right now towards more more MORE and all i wanna do is less less LESS.

  8. WhatDoYOuGet?
    WhatDoYOuGet?

    I feel like maybe *this* is why introverts share a healthy disdain for an extrovert’s behaviour, this kind of bickering i see everywhere. I wont apologize either for holding many clueless extroverts in contempt, their behaviour seems entirely unconcious too much of the time. I think its even dangerous when more powerful people do it.

    Society encourages extroversion, productivity, wanting to BE somebody and define yourself through their recongized channels only, and I think thats a very limited way to approach life in the long run. We’re seeing how thats impacting the state of the globe right now.

    LM raised good points,especially about not getting lost in our own self righteousness & recongizing the strengths of extroverts too, but I think its more about balance than any one side being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, a balance between introversion & extroversion.

    That said, I say the world would be better off with some real self reflection- less action, less talking. Everyone talks, no one says anything. The world is far too stacked towards extroversion right now for its own good, towards DOing instead of BEing.

  9. You’re right: I didn’t apologize. I stand by what I said in spite of its tone.

    And I don’t know why I would apologize. People may not like what I say. So what? If you feel like you’re owed something, you’re mistaken.

  10. I notice tat despite agreeing when an introvert points it out that you were being rude and arrogant, you don’t bother to apologize.

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