Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch

Published in North Central Chronicle on January 18, 2008.

In a world where talk is cheap and time is money, life for an introvert can often become disorienting and exhausting.

In a society dominated by extroverts, who gear more towards conversation and activity, introverts become marginalized for our perceived lack of social skills. The truth is that introverts hardly lack social skills. We simply get our energy from being alone rather than from being with other people. That trait is too often confused with shyness, but in fact we may just want to be left alone.

Extroverts have a difficult time discovering this distinction. Because of their shorter conversational attention spans and inability to be alone for extended periods of time, they do not, or simply cannot, understand their introverted friends. They ask an introvert to dinner and do not understand why they would rather stay home alone and read than socialize. Or perhaps they balk at an introvert’s request to leave a party after only a short time, not knowing that the introvert cannot take much more mindless chatter.

We introverts fight battles constantly. We fight with leagues of extroverts for airtime to voice our carefully-crafted thoughts. We fight for time alone everyday to recharge and recollect. We fight the stereotypes branded on us, wishing for nothing more than understanding. We also feel like picking a fight when we’re asked, “Are you all right?” for the hundredth time, when all we want to do is remain deep in thought.

Often our reluctance to socialize leads extroverts to believe that we introverts are arrogant, detached, or self-absorbed. This misconception is probably due to an introvert’s disdain for small talk. Our days are filled with thinking—we like to figure out exactly what we’ll say before saying it—so the concept of small talk seems obligatory and a waste of time. But even more than small talk, introverts hate repeating themselves. Calvin Coolidge once said, “If you don’t say anything, you won’t be called on to repeat it.” I wonder if Coolidge would have even survived in today’s political atmosphere.

But we introverts must trudge on. In the article “Caring for Your Introvert” by Jonathan Rauch, the author writes, “Many actors, I’ve read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors.” We learn to put on a happy, sociable face when it’s called for, if only to keep the inquisitive extroverts off our backs. Indeed, before I enter a social circus, I have to mentally ready myself for an unknown amount of hyper-interaction. I tell myself, “This is a party. You can have fun and talk with people.” I try not to be a recluse, but sometimes my social battery runs out and irritation quickly sets in.

Perhaps one day, extroverts will understand the hell they put us introverts through. Perhaps one day, breaks in conversation will not seem awkward, and small talk will not be required to maintain proper etiquette. Perhaps one day, extroverts will discover the joy of seclusion, and the value of stillness. Perhaps. Until that day, you extroverts should be more mindful of your quieter, less convivial peers. Do not ask them why they’re so quiet, or why they want to be left alone, because the reason is probably you.


48 responses to “Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch”

  1. Wow, it seems like finally im not alone!
    In school it can get hard to be an introvert. Sometimes I wish to go all day without saying a word, but since I dont want the extroverts to think im crazy or something, i say hello and do some small talk. In class i always remain pretty quiet, and quite often people say to me that im quiet, and ITS IRRITATING. And i never know what to say back when they say im quiet besides saying DUH. I dont consider myself shy, but its so true that people get confused with shyness and quietness. Great article (: It makes me feel better about me not being as outgoing as most people.

  2. thesimbalife
    thesimbalife

    You’re right, Evan. I wrote the original post with a lot of pent-up frustration, so perhaps that explains the tone. And of course, not all extroverts babble on mindlessly. And the ones that do are simply too entertaining to dismiss.

    So I’ll resolve in this new year to not let bitterness creep into my opinion of those extroverts who have lots of good stuff to say.

  3. Despite the needless psychoanalyzing, LM has a point. Speaking as an introvert myself, the tone of this seems excessively arrogant towards extroverts. Did you really have to protest the stereotypes many extroverts have about introverts by stereotyping and insulting them right back? Telling other people that introverts don’t want to spend lots of time around them because we detest their mindless, inane babbling is just perpetuating the problem.

  4. ENTP/INTP

    what’s up with all the bitterness in introverts on internet

  5. Glad I stumbled into this post. Brilliant, honest and real. Thank you.

  6. LM, your wisdom is great. I can’t thank you enough for clearly pointing out how arrogant every introvert on earth is, including myself.

    Clearly my little contact with other human beings has made it difficult for me to understand anything about myself. I’m just so glad that you, the clearly superior extrovert, could find enough time to browse the Internet for posts you could humbly clarify.

    And seeing as you speak for “the majority” of “the population,” whatever that is, I’d like to thank you for informing me that the entire of this populous enjoys “mindless chatter.” This really clears up a lot of things about you, as the majority’s spokesperson.

    So I’m glad we had this talk. As you can see, I have fully accepted your sublime commentary. I can now go back to my own “niche” where I can enjoy my sense of superiority. Of course, you wouldn’t do that, because you’re not on the Internet right now, carping anonymously on people’s personal thoughts.

  7. @Chad: Just take what LM wrote with a grain of salt, as this person has trolled on my blog too.

  8. “Often our reluctance to socialize leads extroverts to believe that we introverts are arrogant, detached, or self-absorbed. This misconception is probably due to an introvert’s disdain for small talk.”

    You don’t find having disdain for something arrogance? Small talk is engaged in and enjoyed by the majority of the population, and disdain is defined by Merriam Webster as “contempt” so you’ve just told us that introverts have contempt for a behavior of the majority population — you refer to their conversations as “mindless chatter”. And you wonder why people think introverts arrogant? This IS arrogance.

    And the self described “focus on the self” or “inward-looking” nature of introverts, is, in fact, exactly what extroverts call self-absorbed. It is the definition.

    Introverts on average do not have a better sense of self than extroverts, they just have so relatively little contact with others that they have not gained the necessary perspective to really see themselves. And like most atypical groups, find a niche on the internet where they, that is you, can try to convince yourselves this is not so and that you have, in fact, some innate superiority.

    So while I’ve pointed out quite clearly that you are exactly as arrogant as you claim not to be, you will reject this…that’s just how the human ego works.

  9. Growing up, I was very shy and mistook myself for an introvert, but learned otherwise during college. Now I’m not usually shy, but often reserved, especially when I’m not in a relaxed social situation.

    I thought of myself as boring until the second close introvert friend expressed to me that I was peaceful.

    My boss is an introvert with a very strong game face–she could be a great actress–and if I have a game face, it’s as thin as tissue paper. This adds up to an interesting chemistry at the office.

    I enjoy both my introverted and extraverted friends. I tend to analyze folks more on the spectrum of analytical to big-picture-oriented, or on the spectrum of thinkers to feelers.

    In all of these, I suppose that it’s like being right-handed or left-handed–I’m strongly a right-handed, extraverted, analytical thinker, but that doesn’t mean I have zero dexterity on the other side. Some people seem to be more ambidextrous than others.

  10. lysteria
    lysteria

    actually, since I last wrote here I’ve changed..not into an extrovert but just into, well, myself really. And I’ve come to realise a few things:

    Being an introvert shouldn’t make you feel bad, if it’s really who you are, you should feel normal and comfortable with it. If you’re feeling alone or sad, it’s not the same as being introverted. It could be, and I’m putting this bluntly because sometimes it needs to be said bluntly, that maybe you’re feeling depressed of insecure. I say this through experience, not through scientific knowledge, but just my own experiences.

    Happiness is a choice. Ultimately, it is a choice. Saying this, you can always choose to be happy and everyone has the chance and capability of being happy.

    But you’ve got to love yourself and by loving yourself (not to the extent of being vain or egoistic) by accepting and enjoying who you are, you find confidence. When you are confident people are attracted to that, positive pheromones are more inticing than negative ones. It’s quite possible to be confident and introverted, I know that because I am.

    Malawi_dub, life is still possible and beautiful if you’re an introvert, because even if you are introverted, you can choose to enjoy yourself and look at the better side of things, there is always a way to achieving your dreams as long as you believe in it.

    If your friends are real friends, they’ll understand and like you for who you really are. If they don’t, then you should probably find better friends because you deserve to have genuine ones.

    A memory pill isn’t the answer, because every memory, every experience, has made you who you are today and you should celebrate and learn from that because it makes you who you are. running doesn’t help because the things you’re running away from will always be there. If you face them, you will at least have tried to conquer them (of course this doesn’t apply in the same way when dealing with anything dangerous though) .

    By fearing hope, we’re not even taking a step forward. Dare to dream, because by hoping, we can achieve what we never thought possible. Hoping is that first tiny step, then suddenly before you know it, you’ve taken three more..everything will have a risk but you’ve got to be realistic and yet optimisitc at the same time.

    Don’t give up. I believe you can do what you want to and that you can find happiness.

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