Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch

Published in North Central Chronicle on January 18, 2008.

In a world where talk is cheap and time is money, life for an introvert can often become disorienting and exhausting.

In a society dominated by extroverts, who gear more towards conversation and activity, introverts become marginalized for our perceived lack of social skills. The truth is that introverts hardly lack social skills. We simply get our energy from being alone rather than from being with other people. That trait is too often confused with shyness, but in fact we may just want to be left alone.

Extroverts have a difficult time discovering this distinction. Because of their shorter conversational attention spans and inability to be alone for extended periods of time, they do not, or simply cannot, understand their introverted friends. They ask an introvert to dinner and do not understand why they would rather stay home alone and read than socialize. Or perhaps they balk at an introvert’s request to leave a party after only a short time, not knowing that the introvert cannot take much more mindless chatter.

We introverts fight battles constantly. We fight with leagues of extroverts for airtime to voice our carefully-crafted thoughts. We fight for time alone everyday to recharge and recollect. We fight the stereotypes branded on us, wishing for nothing more than understanding. We also feel like picking a fight when we’re asked, “Are you all right?” for the hundredth time, when all we want to do is remain deep in thought.

Often our reluctance to socialize leads extroverts to believe that we introverts are arrogant, detached, or self-absorbed. This misconception is probably due to an introvert’s disdain for small talk. Our days are filled with thinking—we like to figure out exactly what we’ll say before saying it—so the concept of small talk seems obligatory and a waste of time. But even more than small talk, introverts hate repeating themselves. Calvin Coolidge once said, “If you don’t say anything, you won’t be called on to repeat it.” I wonder if Coolidge would have even survived in today’s political atmosphere.

But we introverts must trudge on. In the article “Caring for Your Introvert” by Jonathan Rauch, the author writes, “Many actors, I’ve read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors.” We learn to put on a happy, sociable face when it’s called for, if only to keep the inquisitive extroverts off our backs. Indeed, before I enter a social circus, I have to mentally ready myself for an unknown amount of hyper-interaction. I tell myself, “This is a party. You can have fun and talk with people.” I try not to be a recluse, but sometimes my social battery runs out and irritation quickly sets in.

Perhaps one day, extroverts will understand the hell they put us introverts through. Perhaps one day, breaks in conversation will not seem awkward, and small talk will not be required to maintain proper etiquette. Perhaps one day, extroverts will discover the joy of seclusion, and the value of stillness. Perhaps. Until that day, you extroverts should be more mindful of your quieter, less convivial peers. Do not ask them why they’re so quiet, or why they want to be left alone, because the reason is probably you.


48 responses to “Introverts: A Misunderstood Bunch”

  1. Malawi_dub
    Malawi_dub

    Hey all, thanks for writing. i have just turned 25 and figuring out that I am introverted.
    Well I have known for a long time but just tried to get along normally in life with friend s etc.

    Not that it ever worked.
    So, I guess I have givin up on a “normal” life.

    How do you deal with friends?
    How do you tell them?

    I can only spend like an hour with you at a time before I have no more to say, nor energy to say anything.

    Its a hard life full of battles, but every one you learn from, and you grow from.

    I often think of a “pill” that would wipe my memory completly, and let me start clean, to be apart of society, to be “normal” to sociallise, party, all that stuff that from the outside looks like a happy life.
    But i think about the person I would be on the inside, I couldnt live that life and have the same morals, repect, knowledge that I have now.

    So as much as I want it, I would have to sacrifise so much to obtain it.

    I moved to another country when I was 21, I had to, if i stayed home, I probly wouldnt have survived. I had to escape/run i guess. I tried to start life again, but i was still here.
    What good is running away if whatever we are is still there?

    Do Introverts ever realise happiness?

    I personally dont feel like I can make a girl happy in a long term relationship.

    Can introverts have romantic relationships?

    Does it come down to luck or just a hole lot of rejection to find a girl who accepts you?

    I feel a destiny of being alone, and I guess that scares me.

  2. Greetings,

    I too on paper am a member of the majority and find this to be a much needed written statement.

    My blog is devoted to the nature of introversion and this post is now on my roll!

  3. I noticed the article pertained mostly to socializing. Introversion and extroversion are terms that describe a person’s energy source, not how they socialize although it is affected.

    Also, I agree with lysteria about how both extroverts and introverts can only understand so much about the other; that we have to make the best of what God gave to us. “Survival of the fittest” is interesting. What reason is there that extroverts beat introverts 3:1? Is action truly better than reflection? Or does it just seem to get things going?

  4. lysteria

    It’s true that intorverts are misunderstood. Being one myself I know how much escaping from everyone and having some alone time means. And you are right when you say this world is dominated by extroverts. This then raises statements like “survival of the fittest”.

    Yes, they can’t change us and they don’t understand us completely. But we can’t change them or understand them completely. In a way it’s a stalemate. We can try to explain what we feel but in the end if someone has not experienced something there is no way they can completely understand it.

    We just have to make the most of what we have.

  5. Hello! I agree with you 100% “Introverts: a misunderstood minority of society” !

  6. I am an equine veterinarian – have practiced solely in stables, in plain view of all in the horse industry. I am a household name among the horse people in my community. This job requires the highest
    degree of extroversion that I can imagine. The horse industry in this country is very dynamic and competitive. It is a small community where no secrets are kept, and in this community the veterinarians work in a glass house. Horse people love their animals, and they love to talk about them.
    In general I think they appreciate vets and like to welcome them into their social circle.

    I appreciate my clients and their kindness, respect and consideration for me, but I am very introverted. I must be talkative and interactive in my profession so as to give the animals the best care – after all- the owners must know and trust me enough to follow my direction. Actually, I like my clients and enjoy working with them.

    This is the hard part.
    I am in the profession that everyone wanted to “be” as a kid.
    So I get a lot of attention socially and at work about this, and
    it is overstimulating. I do not care much for lots of social interaction, and feel like a target for it because of what I do. I get asked by many kind, well-meaning clients, who want my company, to go to dinner, art events in town, on trail rides, to horse shows, etc etc – which leads to more of the same – I always politely decline, because I am introverted and would rather be with my small circle of old friends, my family, and my animals. Those events are like more work for me.
    While I am proud to be a vet, I don’t like to make it the center of conversation at social events. Parties with those who just found out what I do are the worst for me– oh, you’re a vet, I wanted to be a vet, I heard its hard to get in to vet school, have you read the James Herriott books – and by this time I am embarrassed and emotionally exhausted because of all of the attention. Everyone asks what everyone does in this country – we are about what we do – the problem is that I get extra extra attention for it, and it makes me uncomfortable. At parties I put on my game face, stay a while and retreat, with relief, back to my home.

    The worst part is my cell phone. Clients have it available for an emergency, and the message says specifically that the line is only for that purpose. Clients frequently leave non-emergency messages, even at night and on the weekends, with the preface “I know your message says emergencies only, but… – and its never urgent – often it is a social call or a message that could have been left on my email or office line. My cell phone is my worst enemy – I am
    on alert, right along with the rest of the world, to be an instant extrovert.

    I started dreaming about being a vet at age 7. After 8 years of school I have been practicing 22 years. I decided to stop taking new clients and have individually contacted the people who use my cell for non-urgent matters. It has been very difficult because some have not been supportive.
    But it has not been as difficult as the realization that I have teenagers who would have had a better mother if she had been truer to herself earlier in their lives.

    I send this letter with both trepidation and relief. If you are a client and stumble across this, please know that it is not personal – I simply have to move closer to my own truth.

    I am not a veterinarian. That is just what I do for a living. Unless there is an emergency that I am responsible for, I like to leave it all behind after work hours.
    I think most of society does not understand this. It comforts me to think that some one here might.

  7. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    ZTM,

    I think I understood most of what you wrote, but not all of it. I don’t agree that introverted males suffer more than women who have reduced wages due to their gender.

    I also don’t think the Buddhist ideas fit into what I was talking about. Introversion has nothing to do with transcending consciousness, but rather with human orientation. It’s something that can be modified throughout one’s life, but not completely reversed.

  8. I’m so wonderfully relived to find your blog entry. You being like me a white 1st world male. You and I share the same perspectives and personality. I have just recently decided to research the “introvert” term on google after having it hammered into my mind by extroverts that i’m just depressed. I agree with all that you said. about small talk and social situations. I find it very difficult to reconcile myself with the people of this society. I feel bad for them. I’m strongly spiritually guided, so I do not really make much fuss about it. I realize that what negativity I put out comes back 10 times fold it seems.

    But I wish there was a way for me to participate in a extroverted world without the negative attraction extroverted personalities seem to have on mine.

    In Buddhist terms it would appear that the extroverts are simply in a different level of being then introverts are – we however being both in samsara have to suffer. Obviously introverts are in the stage of self mastry while extroverts are in the stage of self actualization.

    Having ruthless motherly compassion for them we can transcend any negativity – by relationship or oppression in society.

    Nonetheless I would be much happier if I could get along with more people on my level – It’s quite unfortunate that for extroverts to be happy they have to oppress introverts.

    This is yet another expression of the “masculine” spoiling the “feminine”. Although I am a male and suffering probably more on a daily level much more profoundly than any woman by having her wages reduced simply on the basis of gender…

    I realize there is some sore negative feeling in this post but I mean it with the best intentions… =)

    I think perhaps with these changes occurring in consciousness due to the point in history we are at and our proximity to 2012
    … we can actually have reason to hope on an external scale.

  9. Hi! I’m an introvert too and just the same as you are, I find myself very tired of socializing with others. I enjoy being alone but for the sake of not being misunderstood as a recluse and a weird person, I try to socialize with others though I’m still the quiet type. I feel my soul being drained of itself of ideas. Any tips on regaining that self back? Please email me…

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    1. What’s that got to do with the price of fish?

      1. What?

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