Category Archives: Comedy

Area Man Sad

I could see it coming, but I read the news about The Onion ceasing all print publication with sadness. Growing up in Madison, the Onion‘s hometown, and now living in Chicago, its current headquarters, I’ve had easy access to the weekly editions. Lately my Onion diet has been exclusively online, so the print copy is hardly essential to the reading experience. But I’ve often grabbed a copy before hopping on the L or the bus, which allowed me to read through whole articles rather than simply skimming the headlines, and to enjoy the little bits you don’t get online.

To go tangential: Like most younger folks these days, I get pretty much all my non-satirical news online. Really, the only time I pick up a newspaper is at my parents’ house, and that’s usually for the crossword. If I’m at the doctor’s office or the bookstore I’ll eagerly devour a print magazine, if only because I’m less liable to become distracted than if I were to read it online, just a tab away from another distracting Internet nugget (Internugget?). But besides books (no thanks, e-readers) and the occasional magazine, I’m a largely paperless information consumer. I’m OK with that, but that doesn’t mean I won’t miss carrying The Onion with me.

I’ll have onion in my dinner tonight, in loving memory.

Breaking News: Jesus Christ Registers As A Republican

BREAKING NEWS: Jesus Christ registers as a Republican

GOP officially God’s Own Party

In a move sure to spark endless debate, Jesus Christ, the Son of God and Savior of the world, has declared himself a Republican.

“I’ve been a moderate for most of eternity,” said Christ, speaking at a press conference. “But lately, Barack Obama’s choices regarding the economy, the wars, and health care reform have disappointed me. I had to take a stand. So I’m registering as a Republican.”

When asked which specific policies most attracted him to the Republican Party, Christ was clear.

“The GOP’s stand against abortion and gay marriage is fine, I guess,” He said, “but I’m more interested in their support for trickle-down economics. It’s important to have an economic policy that benefits only the superrich and keeps disenfranchised people from escaping the perpetual downward spiral that poverty creates.”
Christ expressed support for reinstating the Bush tax cuts and making the military’s ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy permanent.

“I don’t care much for the gays, OK?” He said. “I just don’t want to deal with them.”

He also vocalized opposition to the Obama-led health care reform.

“The fact that the Democrats want to provide health insurance for everyone and not just those who can afford the sinfully high premiums…that just makes me sick,” said Christ. “Free, unregulated markets should decide if people live or die and not liberal bureaucrats.”

Christ also argued for continued U.S. presence in the Middle East.

“Clearly preemptive war is necessarily,” He said. “I thank God for Dick Cheney and George W. Bush for pushing the country into unnecessary war and keeping us there.”

The Lamb of God’s choice to align himself with Republican principles was met with praise from the nation’s conservative leaders.

“The fact that Jesus Christ is now officially a Republican shows us that God is definitely on our side,” said Michael Steele, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “Listen up, Democrats: God does not want you to pass health care reform. Seriously, just ask him.”

“Hallelujah!” proclaimed James Dobson, founder of the Christian group Focus on the Family, on his radio show. “Jesus Christ is a shoe-in for Republican nominee for president in 2012. Jesus Christ and Sarah Palin. Now that’s a dynamic ticket.”

Asked about sharing a presidential ticket with the King of Kings, the former governor of Alaska was enthusiastic.

“Gosh, you betcha I’d like Jesus on my ticket,” Palin said. “He’d make a heckuva vice-president, that’s for sure.”

Not all conservatives welcomed Christ’s move to the GOP. Glenn Beck, a FOX News commentator, expressed concern about the Lord’s background.

“Look at the people he hangs out with,” said Beck. “Prostitutes, tax collectors, lepers—I don’t want my Savior or my president palling around with such seedy people.”

“He may be the Son of God,” said Rush Limbaugh, a popular radio host, “but he’s an illegitimate child, he’s from the Middle East, and preaches against free-market capitalism. If he isn’t a terrorist spreading communist propaganda, I don’t know who is.”

Limbaugh added: “Barack Obama, maybe.”

Sources inside Christ’s inner circle claim he will soon form an exploratory committee for a possible run for president. What would the Son of Man’s platform look like?

“Definitely cuts in welfare for the poor,” said Christ. “It’s a wasteful program. I’d also like to see increased spending on nuclear weapons and relaxed regulation of Wall Street banks. But none of those things will happen with that Obama in the White House.

“Stupid Obama,” he added.

The Ten Commandments Of Watching ‘LOST’ In A Group

1. Thou shalt be caught up.

2. Thou shalt hold all questions until commercial breaks.

3. Thou shalt not bring a friend who hath not seen Lost or hath not been caught up.

4. Thou shalt offer theories upon the conclusion of the episode.

5. Thou shalt not use the bathroom during the show and then ask thine friends what hath ocurreth.

6. Thou shalt not answer thy phone during the show.

7. Thou shalt make a claim as to thy favorite character and defend thy choice.

8. Thou shalt never attendeth a “Dress As Thy Favorite Lost Character” party. Thou art not a Harry Potter fan and therefore hath some self-respect.

9. Thou shalt pick between Sawyer and Jack.

10. Thou shalt have no other shows before Lost.

Kristen Wiig = Hilarious

I’m always annoyed when people say Saturday Night Live isn’t as good as it used to be. It’s unfair to judge a group of relatively unknown performers against their much more famous predecessors. Especially when their predecessors and their funniest skits have had time to become more popular and time-tested.

That said, these first two episodes of SNL, with the exception of their two opening skits, have been sub-par. And I’m one of those people who can appreciate the more farcical and ridiculous skits that don’t make it on air until 11:45 (Central time).

But what has stood out to me for a few years now is Kristen Wiig. She is freaking hilarious. With Amy Poehler leaving the show after the election to give birth and star in her own sitcom (which is also freaking awesome), I’m glad there will be a strong female character with weirdo characters and the complete lack of inhibition when it comes to performing. She’ll also probably have to take over Amy Poehler’s brilliant, Emmy-nominated Hillary Clinton impersonation when Amy leaves.

And, boy, are Kristen Wiig’s characters weird. In a good and funny way. Some of my favorites: the Surprise party enthusiast, the female half of the “Two A-holes”, the Jar Glove ad, Aunt Linda the film critic, and Penelope the one-upper. She finds a voice and a quirky tic and absolutely sells it. Complete dedication to character.

Her impressions, as well, are killer. Especially that of Pam Beesley from The Office.

Anyway, I’ll keep watching SNL because it’s still funny. And because Kristen Wiig is finally finding the center stage.